2020: The Year Where “AND” Stopped Working for Me

I know it’s January 1st. I know I’m supposed to be writing about the New Year, and Fresh Starts, and Goals and Plans, and all that Good Stuff. And I will…soon! But right now, I’m still feeling pretty darn thankful for 2020. This year CHANGED ME for the better. For all the mad and the sad and the bad things that 2020 brought with it, I am so, SO grateful for the growth.

I’ve always struggled with people-pleasing and decision making. I still do, and I’m sure I always will. But in a year as crazy as 2020, my highest values became a LOT clearer. It was the year where I finally couldn’t make “AND” work anymore. It had to be “OR.” I had to make a choice about what was most important to me. And making the choice for myself and my values instead of riding the fence and making everyone happy was immensely freeing for me.

What did I choose in 2020?

I chose sleep.

I chose to move…a lot. Not fast or hard, just…comfortably.

I chose leggings just about every day for nine months straight.

I chose to be outside.

I chose to embrace our new way of working and to get others excited about it.

I chose my pod. Husband, Kids, Mom, Dad, Seest. That’s it.

I chose quiet.

I chose fruit. And lots of avocados.

I chose to distance myself from a dear friend with alcoholism. She lost her battle on October 5th.

I chose positivity.

I chose to read.

I chose to walk away from nonsense and bullshit.

I chose Sherwin Williams’ Loyal Blue for the brand new built-in bookshelves in my office that I finally designed and had built.

I chose to eat in, to cook out, and to stay home.

I chose to miscarry at home, instead of having a D&C.

I chose to play sometimes when I could have been working.

I chose to stay off the internet before noon.

I chose to give myself a lot of grace.

I chose to put my family’s health first, before anything or anyone else.

I chose….less, all in all. A lot less.

So for all these reasons, including the sad and bad ones…I’m sad to see 2020 go. 2020 was the year where I had to make tough choices. The year where I learned I could not please everyone. It was the year where I learned to state my case kindly and calmly, and just allow others to make different decisions than I did…without judging them or feeling judged in return.

This was the year where I learned that I COULD NOT, in fact, have it all…but where less turned out somehow to be more. I don’t need it all. I just need the RIGHT THINGS.

So I’m a little bit anxious about 2021, TBH. As we all clamor for “normal”, I don’t really want my life to go back to the way it was. I don’t want to go back to the pressure of trying to make everyone happy or make everything balance. I hope I can remain confident in the either/or choices I’ve been making that help myself and my family feel happy, calm, and secure…even after Covid ends, godwilling…when I won’t have a worldwide pandemic as an excuse for why I’m making them.