Well, folks…a month went by, just like that. And now I have a family of 5. Crazy how time flies and things change in a blink. I was hoping I would make more time to write as maternity leave kicked off, but I went into full-blown CRAZY nesting mode. Every closet in this house is organized, baby linens and clothes got washed multiple times, file cabinets are cleaned out, and I got a TON of steps in hiking/playing with the girls and Don. It was a productive if not creative time.
But today Baby R is two weeks old, and EVERYTHING is different from what I wrote before. I have ALL the feelings.
I’m at that point where I’m torn between A) feeling good enough to feel guilty about not getting more done or spending more time with my big girls and B) wanting to just lay around all day and feed him/stare at him because he is my last baby and I want to soak it all in.
I absolutely despise my cell phone and everything on it. It is constantly with me, distracting me, pulling me away from staring at this beautiful little being, reminding me that I have a million unanswered texts, unacknowledged comments, unread emails, unfinished lists…all of which feel terribly important and unimportant at the same time. I read the news and my facebook feed and all the politics and arguing and it makes me hate everything and everyone, at the same time that I so dearly MISS everything and everyone outside of this little bubble I’ve been in for the better part of a year now.
R and I woke up at 10 today (after having been “in bed” since 11:15 last night). I bathed R, and then spent an hour trying to figure out my new Spectra battery operated pump. (I totally forgot how long it takes to wash and sterilize afterwards…the price of freedom, amirite?) I made play-doh ice cream with W while I simultaneously fed the baby awkwardly, conjured up lunch (avo toast FTW), threw in a load of laundry, and put W down for a nap by 1:30. By the time I walked downstairs to feed R yet again, I felt like I had run a freaking marathon already with nothing to show for it.
That’s the part I remember being so tricky about maternity leave. For me, it’s balancing my love of lists and “accomplishing” against my desire to just soak in the moment. Neither leaves me satisfied alone, but doing too much of one or the other throws me totally off-kilter. Too little “to do” and I wind up cranking my anxiety through the roof as I worry about things I can’t control because I wind up with too much time to think. Too much “to do” and I feel like the most important parts of life are passing me by.
This blog will, understandably, be full of a lot of “baby” content for the next few weeks. I have so many pregnancy-related topics that I still want to document, as much for my own memories as for anyone else’s interest, really. It may start to take on more of a “diary” feel as I try to recap as many memories and minute details of this time as I can. I’m not sure exactly, but I DO know that I feel as compelled to write (if not more so!) than I have at any other time this year. I often lie in bed at night thinking about what I want to write.
A little bit of a hodgepodge here…but I kicked the dust off and am back at it. Hopefully this is the start of a trend! And if you are still reading…THANK YOU! Comment below. 🙂